Concerns and worries run rampant in my mind with my son preparing to move up to the new frontier, Middle School! I’ve tried preparing him for this new, often unforgiving wilderness, by increasing endurance for the uphill strenuous journey, trying to anticipate the terrain and the dangers, and defending himself from aggressive creatures. I administered drills and training exercises to him to avoid crossing paths with big bumbling bullies when suddenly, an unexpected, unpredictably unstable enemy emerges. I didn’t see one face-to-face, only the markings left behind. The thought of these lurking around the Middle School campus made my blood run cold.
The bitches and hoes (clicky femalousquealor), are a mammal of the family Junior Highus, native to the Americas. This awkward creature, social butterfly has the greatest territory of any large wild terrestrial mammal in school. A chameleon-like, conforming species that tends to travel in teams of at least two, the predator roams the halls of every middle school feeding off of attention. Primary food sources include diet sodas, chicken strips, or badly fried chimichangas, but it preys on fresh meat of incoming, unsuspecting 6th grade males. A capable stalk-and-ambush predator, it prefers to hunt in packs, emitting giggling sounds created by putting their hands over the mouth, whispering incessantly, and confidently flipping their hair. The prowler immobilizes its prey with a hug, turning on a dime, hitting the male youngsters – often in the arm.
Before I boarded my child on a one-way trip to London to attend an all-male boarding school, I discovered that the middle school does have some regulations intact to help protect the young green children. The dress code prohibits tear-away clothing
and facial “Marilyn Monroe” stud beauty mark piercings. The 6th grade boys are paired up with an older field-training mentor who will help them navigate the land mine-filled grounds and the precarious quad.
My son already knows quite a few older, wonderful middle school girls and hopefully, they will take my son under their elegant swan-like wings and help him navigate middle school or at least teach him what smart, graceful, docile Middle School girls look like. Maybe they’ll have a repellant app for his iPhone that we can download.